Monday, April 28, 2008


Before Cindy, I scored my first girlfriend. It was in 4th grade, but for some strange reason I don't remember her name or her face. (so odd for me, not even a song- perhaps I made the experience up to boost my self confidence.)

I couldn't get the girl to commit to me but, I could get her to tell people that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I used basic logic to woo her into my trap. I told her that she qualified to be my girlfriend because she was my friend and she was a girl. Somehow, she went with it. Silly girls.

Now as for Cindy, she was a passionate firery red-head. I always had a small weakness for red-heads. Loved Cindy Lauper instead of Madonna, and was smitten by Molly Ringwald. This Cindy had small freckles on her cheekbones. (Kind like my wife has now,never linked the two before today.) I don't know what it was about her, and lucky enough, it was short lived. I would love to tell you it was a triumph, but I never was a good liar.

I pretend that I had self confidence with girls, but I never was smooth and usully not sucessful. Well, one day on the south end of the school after recess ended, I was standing on the wall trying to look cool. It was the first time in my life I felt, maybe I was. I had my hair feathered and combed like the blonde kid from Karate Kid. I had rolled pants, and suspenders, that of course just hung there. So I tryed to be smooth and put my foot up against the back wall and I had my hands to the side (I am not usually this descriptive, but it will make sense in the end) Anyway, I pronounce my admoration for said lady, and what does she do? Swoon, fall at my feet, blush. . .?

Oooh noo. I wasn't rad enough for her, she walked right up to me and kicked me in the hand.

So what did I learn from this relationship. I learned that standing there open like I was against the wall would be a great metaphor about leaving myself open to women. I also learned that while I thought I was cool she proved I was nothing but luke warm.

Saturday, April 19, 2008


In Kindergarten, I got a letter pinned to my back. I was only educated to the K level so I wasn't smart enough to know that I was in trouble, so I took it home, gleefully.
It's contents where not as exciting. It seems that my teacher in her pious manner believed I talked too much and, get this . . .tried to kiss too many girls. . .
I don't remember any girls from kindergarten that I was in love with, for me it was strictly N.C.M.O. I remember two that where in love with me but for the protection of the innocent, and to avoid any unwanted libel suits, they shall remain unnamed.
I wasn't exactly a Casanova, but trying did help me learn from my mistakes. Here is the story of my first childhood crush. (other stories may follow, depending on demand and Wifee's consent)
Dawn was her name. I fell in "love" with her the first day of school. However, back then you couldn't find time to talk to girls, recess was too busy with Kick Ball and I couldn't tell her how I felt during lunch. It would take time away from eating and if I ate slower, it took time away from Kick Ball.
The good news is that Mrs. Ikahara, my teacher, must have known something and when we switched seats she put Dawn right next to me. It was on the back row, I can feel the sunshine coming in through the windows and shining on her golden locks. (insert your own "aahhh" here)
I would talk to Dawn all the time. For some reason my name ended up on the board more often than other names. Yet Dawn never really talked back to me as much. Is that stalking?
I didn't manage to get any digits out of this relationship, I just learned that I needed to be a better listener than a talker. (still working on the idea)
The highlight of the whole year was learning to Square Dance. (Perhaps the only dance I could ever do well. . .perhaps.) Somehow I managed to get her to be my partner. Oh, how I loved to dosey-doe my partner and it was my official hand holding first. She had small clammy hands, it was great.
So, what did I learn?. . .I liked girls, but not as much as kickball, and obviously other people need to talk more so my name doesn't look so lonely up their on the board.