Saturday, May 17, 2008

My warranty is expired

I have never been the guy who was really in shape. I had some times when I was really skinny, and a few times when I might have seen a little muscle mass, very little. Today I present my case that I am now expiring.

I looked online in a few places and found that the average white male is expected to live to his 70's. I looked at the expectancy of a white male from my birth year and it was 69. So I think mathamatically my theory is sound.

Some of you are no good with math, but prefer biology. Here are some facts. My hands are wrinkled, I have enough back hair to weave a small handtowl and I just bought a pair of pants and had to move up to size 36 to wear them loose like I like. If I stand up straight and look down, I can't see my feet anymore. Worse yet, my wife told me I was going bald this year. Of course she said it while laughing. Unfortunatly, my hair line is rising faster than the global warming seas, help me Al Gore!

If you prefer poli-sci. I don't like any of the canidates. I think they are all full of it. I am cynical of their false promises of better tomorrows and their unwillingness to pledge any real change or trually face our true issues. (education, health care, and a debt that I don't understand how we can ever repay. If we were a corporation, China might have the ability to have a hostile takeover.)

Sports fans. I get winded in the first game of basketball when I play. I hurt my knees last year in basketball and broke my foot and Shaq is younger than me and people think he should retire.

Lawyer's- most contracts for cars expire at 35 thousand miles, if you equate that to years, I am about there.

Doctor's- I am soft in the middle, eat more ice cream than is healthy, and the only bike I ride is a Vespa.

Psycologists- I do more "remembering when" then I do "dreaming".

Mormons- I am a High Priest.

Marketing and pollsters: this is my last year in the coveted 35 and under group.

So you get my point, I am peaking, plateuing, I am John Travolta during the 80's, pre-Pulp Fiction.

The good news is I can still stay up till midnight, I just need a nap the next day!


Michal said...

my favorite is the last line: I can still stay up till midnight--I just need a nap the next day!
you know you're really old when you snore during jeopardy. just ask rhonda!:)

McD said...

ohhh that is the worst. At least we have tivo now and can rewind what we missed. I don't have a lazy boy chair otherwise I would sleep through everything. I also don't read as much anymore, not because I don't try but because I always fall asleep.

Erika said...

I like the "mormons" one. Being a High Priest IS VERY VERY VERY old. Next thing you know, you'll be the High Council Sunday speaker...BORING!!!!

Erika said...

My favorite was the "mormons" comment. Being a High Priest is VERY VERY old. Next thing you know, you'll be the High Counsel Speaker on the 4th Sunday..BORING!!!

gma dibb said...

Very funny. I'm just not excited about the fact that I am two decades ahead of you in the wear and tear of life. At least I have grandchildren to make my life sweet.

Nana said...

Hey! You'd better buck up - you still have a few miles to go. I never saw the movie "Things Fall Apart" - was it about thinning hair?
Looking down from the youth of old age, I can't see much you have to complain about.

Mrs. Morty said...

Not to mention those unsightly "love handles" ... oh wait, that would be me who has those.

McD said...

Nana- No one is talking about dying here. I have a van with 140,000 miles on it, I was just making mention that there are signs of wear.

Diane said...

Nap, what is a nap? I just got one year closer to a major decade milestone (50) and still have not mastered that art!

**Liz** said...

I totally understand, I'm sooo there with you.


Scooter said...

Bald is beautiful, baby!

(well, it is on babies, anyway)

Just avoid getting an "extended warranty" in the form of gimmicky shampoos or hair plugs--

Christine said...

I should get to know you better- you know- so I can maybe get a spot in the will. My name is Christine....